"What It Means to Overcome"

For my family and friends who weren't able to make it to my school's baccalaureate last week on May 31st, here's the speech I gave:

What does it mean to “overcome?” I mean, seriously. Many may think of it as conquering obstacles or being bigger than your problems. Getting over a break-up. Moving forward after a parents’ divorce. Quitting smoking. I would certainly agree that all of these things are various forms of overcoming. But for me, it takes on a much deeper meaning. Overcoming isn’t an action; it’s a lifestyle. Growing up, like any other kid, I had a number of problems and issues that I faced. From fighting with my parents to a low self-esteem, the list seemed to go on and on. The biggest obstacle through middle school and early high school was condemnation. When I didn’t meet what I perceived to be my parents’ expectations of me, in my mind—I failed. And it was all my fault. When I didn’t do something right, when I messed up—an insurmountable wall of condemnation, guilt, and shame overtook me. I had no worth. I was no good… to anyone. These were the thoughts that ran through my mind. On numerous occasions I wished that God had made me someone else. “You must have made a mistake,” I would tell Him. If only I’d known what He must have been thinking at that time: that nothing could be further from the truth. I went through a short period of depression, even where suicidal thoughts came to my mind. Fortunately for me, and for everyone else, I never had an ounce of courage to try anything. After years of condemnation, family issues, being made fun of, and much more, I made it through. I know for a fact that it wasn’t because of anything I had done; it was God’s hand on my life that got me through.

In the spring of my eighth grade year, I received the news that would have a tremendous impact on my life: my family was moving to the Tri-Cities. At the time, moving became the biggest challenge in my life: to leave behind all my friends, all my family, everything I had ever known for something new... it was tough. I completely hated the idea. I had no idea what God had in store for me, and with the little faith I had I trusted that He had a plan and that He was in control. For the first year that I lived here, I hated it. Going back to Portland was still going home for me. The summer before my sophomore year, some family-friends of ours moved to Richland from Vancouver. “Coincidentally,” my friends’ mom had heard about a church—Columbia Foursquare Church—from her realtor. I had heard about the youth group, Breakthrough, from my friend Jennae, but had never really gotten the chance to go until my sophomore year. At this point in my life, I still had most if not all the issues I’d been dealing with for several years; not much had changed. When I went to Breakthrough for the first time, a leader and now my good friend Robby approached me before I’d even walked in the door, and from then on he helped me in my walk with God. God brought tremendous growth in me while Robby was my leader, and in no time, I finally overcame condemnation. My eyes were opened to the truth about who God really was—and is: an all-powerful, loving God. He didn’t want me to follow a bunch of rules; He wanted me to be my best. He wanted a relationship with me. This meant and still means more to me than I could ever explain. Piece-by-piece, God began working in me, and radically changed me. If only I had known what the next couple of years were to bring.

February 2^nd, 2009 was a day like any other. We were building rollercoasters in physics, working on valograms in choir, and school was, well… it was school. I’ll never forget how bright and sunny it was that day. I got home from school, took a nap, worked on homework, and mom was making Sloppy Joe’s for dinner. No one had heard from my dad in a while, but I convinced myself that everything was alright and that he would be home in no time. I was talking with a friend on the phone when I happened to glance out the front window in the living room and noticed a cop car parked across the street. Two policemen were walking towards the front door, and it was in this moment that I began to panic. Without saying goodbye I hung up on my friend, set my phone down, and opened the door. “Is your mom here?” one of the officers asked me. I had barely called for my mom when she came down the hallway and reached the front door. Mom went outside to talk with the officers, and I frantically began calling and texting everyone I could think of. “I don’t know what’s going on,” I said, starting to lose it. In a minute or two I heard the worst sound I’ve ever heard in my entire life: my mom wailing from the front porch. The most sickening feeling I have ever felt washed over me. Still in confusion and shock, my prayers came out as me saying: “God, I love You, God, I love You,” over and over again. It’s the only thing I could manage to get myself to pray.

If I were given the chance to take back my father’s death—make it so it never happened, I’m not sure that I would. Do I want to have my dad back? Sure I do; there’s no doubt about that. But to look back and see how much I’ve grown from it, how much stronger I’ve become…you don’t see that kind of growth by any other means. When it comes to the healing and grieving process, I can’t say I’ve done much; if anything, I’ve given God a chance and let Him take control of the situation; of my life. By His grace, there was enough faith grounded in me to where my father’s death brought me closer to Him, not away from Him. I have never been sure why things turned out that way; but I guess that’s a question for God to answer, eh? All that matters is that it was in God’s plan for me to respond the way I did, not just for my own benefit but for the benefit of others as well. Isn’t that what life is about? I don’t think we are blessed or grow stronger for only our own benefit; it’s just as important for everyone else. Our impact on others can be profound, and when we realize that, our outlook on life changes.

I could tell you even more about the things I used to struggle with; self-image, lack of confidence, trying to find fulfillment in things other than God—friends, money… even myself. If only I were perfect, if only I had everything together, then I would be okay. What I’ve come to realize, especially over the past several months, is that living a joyful life, a good life, doesn’t come from having it all together. It doesn’t matter how many friends you have, how great your friends are, how much money you have, how much stuff you have… fulfillment, at least for me, comes from knowing that my God cares about me. He loves me, He wants the best for me, and He has a plan for my life that I can hardly even begin to fathom. No longer do I view myself through the mess-ups, the failures, or the hardships—those things do not define me. I saw “Kung Fu Panda 2” on Friday night, and yes—I am going to quote a line from the movie. When talking to the soothsayer, Po begins to realize where his identity comes from—where it’s always been meant to come from. The soothsayer tells him, “It’s not your past that defines who you are; it’s your future and who you choose to be.” If you’ve been defining yourself by what you’ve been through, by how many times you’ve screwed up, then you’ve been defining yourself the wrong way. We were never created to be defined this way. God didn’t create Adam and Eve and think, “Man, once they mess up—that’s all they’ll ever be!” Christ’s coming back and dying on the cross to save mankind, to save us from ourselves, redeemed us—it gave a choice to choose who we want to be. So… who are you going to be? After you graduate, this summer, when you go to college—how are you going to define yourself? Are you going to be one defined by your past failures, or are you going to be defined as one who has overcome?

The choice is yours. But I can tell you from my own experience, that God is faithful in every situation. When you let Him take control of your life, He’ll take you to unimaginable places—He’ll take you on the craziest, most exciting journey you could ever live. Such is the life of one who has overcome. Not by their own strength, but by “Him who strengthens me.”