That Dark, Broken Place

As I sit here and ponder God's calling for my life, what He's calling me to do, what He's speaking to me right now--I can't help but feel completely uncomfortable. To say I am convicted would be quite the understatement.

When I look inside myself, I can't help but be disgusted. I am extremely selfish, fearful, hypocritical, unloving, undeserving, greedy, lustful, dark, and broken. I don't deserve anything good. I don't deserve God's love. I don't deserve anything worthwhile.

If you've ever thought that I have it all together, think again. I'm just as human as the next guy. Probably more prideful and sinful than the next guy. Nonetheless, God has brought me to a place where He has opened my heart and let me see the insides. Let me tell you--it's pretty filthy in there.

If you've known me for any amount of time, you've probably heard me say how I want to make a change. How I want to help people. Part of me has felt extremely inadequate when it comes to ministry because I haven't grown up living that out. I haven't done a whole lot for my community, I haven't found a need that needs to be addressed, and I haven't given up my own comfort and made many of the sacrifices necessary to follow God's calling on my life.

Being a college student wanting to go into ministry, on many accounts I have had an issue with God's calling me to go to college. After all, there are plenty of people out there who are starving and dying, and they need help now. I know that God calls us into seasons of preparation, but it is still hard to wait. I feel like I have waited long enough and I am beyond ready to go out and serve. But maybe that's why God's called me to attend a university. Not only to prepare me for what He has in store but to teach me patience. After all, He does have quite a sense of humor. Maybe that's it.

When it comes down to it, all we can really do is pursue God with all we've got and hope for the best. I am beyond grateful that we can't do anything within our own power. I am so glad that we need Him, whether we see it or not. Praise God.

For now, here are some verses for you to dwell on:

"The kingdom of heaven is like treasure hidden in a field. When a man found it, he hid it again, and then in his joy went and sold all he had and bought that field. Again, the kingdom of heaven is like a merchant looking for fine pearls. When he found one of great value, he went away and sold everything he had and bought it." - Matthew 13:44-46

"Then he called the crowd to him along with his disciples and said: “Whoever wants to be my disciple must deny themselves and take up their cross and follow me. For whoever wants to save their life will lose it, but whoever loses their life for me and for the gospel will save it. What good is it for someone to gain the whole world, yet forfeit their soul? Or what can anyone give in exchange for their soul?" - Mark 8:34-37

"The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full." - John 10:10

"After John was put in prison, Jesus went into Galilee, proclaiming the good news of God. 'The time has come,' he said. 'The kingdom of God has come near. Repent and believe the good news!' As Jesus walked beside the Sea of Galilee, he saw Simon and his brother Andrew casting a net into the lake, for they were fishermen. 'Come, follow me,' Jesus said, 'and I will send you out to fish for people.' At once they left their nets and followed him. When he had gone a little farther, he saw James son of Zebedee and his brother John in a boat, preparing their nets. Without delay he called them, and they left their father Zebedee in the boat with the hired men and followed him." - Mark 1:14-20